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Today I just need to feel!

***WARNING: Pregnancy details below…it gets graphic*** 2nd WARNING…this may get long!***

Carl is usually the one writing our blogs, however today I just need to let my pregnant emotions out! So basically…excuse the grammar issues and the punctuation problems. My emotions are too high for me to really care about either of those things.

Let me start out by staying that being pregnant is HARD! I know that being lots of things are hard…and even harder than just being pregnant. But for the moment that I am living in, I need to say that this chapter of my life full of nausea, aches, pains, and clothes not fitting…it’s really really hard!

My pregnancy has been high-risk from the moment I learned/saw that I was having twins.  I ugly cried immediately when the tech moved the sonogram viewer to show a second little one nestled in my womb (having twins was only a 2% likeliness).   I instantly grieved our adoption, knowing that it was going to be on hold for a while…then I panicked about 2 of everything…2 cute faces, 2 people to love, 2 lives to dream about, 2 crying at once, 2 diapers to change at once, 2 mouths to feed at once (I still can’t wrap my brain on how I am going to breast feed them at the same time!!), and 2 lives that I am in no way in control of (THIS was the the hardest for me to be ok with).  The tears did turn to smiles and laughter…but let’s be honest…it took me a few days.

Around week 9 I started spotting. It was brownish spotting, but knowing that I’m high-risk I called my doctor. They had me come in the next day. We got to listen to their hearts beat for the first time.  It was magical! Two little hearts were just pounding away in there.  I walked away hopeful that everything was ok and that spotting was just a normal part of some pregnancies.

2 Days later I passed a brownish clot.  Called the doctor…went in again! This time we got to have another ultrasound.  We got to have a look at our little ones all curled up…their hearts still beating away.  Doctors couldn’t find anything wrong so I was sent home with hope, again, that all was well and normal.

Between week 10 & 11 I started to feel them move! It was crazy! Apparently with twins you can feel them early…I felt super lucky.

July 27th 1:30am. I wake up to go to the bathroom only to find out that I’m spotting again…and it’s nice and red this time.  I call the doctor as soon as their office is open I go in…again. They do another ultrasound.  We get to see the babies, get more pictures, and leave again with hope that since they cannot find anything wrong…nothing is wrong.  For some reason I just get the privileged of going though an emotional roller-coaster every week or so.  I have yet to get used to that feeling.

July 28th 6:30pm. I’m cutting watermelon in preparation for a friend to come over for dinner.  I suddenly feel like I’m peeing my pants so I go to the bathroom only to find that I am gushing blood.  Lots and lots of it…along with clots the size of ping pong balls. As I yell to Carl that I am most likely having a miscarriage, our guest walks through the door.  It is a very awkward and hard moment as Carl ushers our guest inside and calls the on-call nurse who then connects us with our doctor.  The doctor has us go to the ER asap.  Our guest leaves and we rush to the car.  I walk into the ER and let the nurse behind the desk know that I am 12ish weeks along…bleeding a lot..and probably having a miscarriage.  I bawled as those words left my mouth.  She ushered me to a wheelchair and within minuets I was rolled to a room.  Time stood still.  I wasn’t in any physical pain…but I was in a ton of emotional and spiritual pain. In between nurses asking me questions, changing into a hospital gown, an IV being put in…I cried…I prayed…I begged God to give me a miracle!!!  Family and friends were aware we were at the hospital and I knew that they were praying as well. My father-in-law sent us a prayer which Carl read aloud.  This prayer continues to be my prayer! When my exam showed that my cervix was still closed, I got a little hopeful.  I knew God gave people miracles…but I also knew that sometimes, for whatever reason, he doesn’t.  I pleaded that today was my miracle day.  When I went in to the ultrasound and was told by the tech that she couldn’t answer any of my questions…I chose to look away.  I couldn’t bare to not see their hearts beating…or not see them moving.  I watched Carl instead.  When he started to smile I finally looked at the screen.  I could see both of them moving around and giving the tech a difficult time as she tried to get their measurements and heart rates.  The elephant that had been sitting on my chest turned into a small dog.  They were ok…but what was wrong with me? Would they stay ok? Was this the last time I would see them kicking and squirming? Where did this blood come from?  I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma.  A subchorionic hematoma is a type of blood clot found between the pregnancy membranes and the wall of the uterus. This occurs in just over 1% of pregnancies, and it appears that the bleeding occurs when small parts of the pregnancy membranes separate from the uterus. So a 2% of having twins and a 1% of having this issue…I should be playing the lottery! I was informed that the bleeding would continue and to make sure I have tons of “pelvic rest”…so don’t do anything but you’re not stuck in bed…yet. We left praising and thanking God for our 2 little miracles!!!!!  I had a follow up appointment with my doctor 2 days later.  They saw the hematoma and said that we will just have to monitor it.  It will either go away on it’s own or become a problem that leads to miscarriage.  I tried to leave hopeful.

Last night the cramping began.  This was the first time that I have had any pain in my abdomen.  I didn’t want to panic, but I could help but burst into tears.  Carl read me my prayer and I tried to calm down knowing that these babies have never been, and never will be mine.  They are in God’s hands and that is the best place for them to be.  I called the on-call nurse who connected me with my doctor…who had me come in this morning. (sigh) Again.  I had another ultrasound (we’re up to 5 now!) and saw them literally on top of each other.  The hematoma was still there and the doctor said that we will continue to watch it.  It’s a decent size and hasn’t gotten any smaller…it might have gotten bigger…they weren’t sure.  I basically can’t do much of anything right now. I need to feed myself and keep my body at rest.  I’m not confined to a bed which is nice.  I tried to leave the office with hope…all I left with this time was more pleading that I will get to see these two grow up.

Today has been tough.  Another friend of mine lost their child.  This is the second friend that carried their precious baby full term, and in the delivery room tragedy struck. They prayed for their miracle, but didn’t get one.  I hold my belly all the more tighter now.  I wish I had control of my twins’ lives.  I wish I could guarantee their health.  But I can’t.  And that makes me cry.

Please pray for me and my twins.  For those that already have, THANK YOU!  We feel them all!!!  I just want to finish by sharing the prayer that Carl has read to me and that I continue to read to myself.  It’s the hope that I hold to now.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank you for this gift. I thank you for choosing me to be a mom.  But, I am fearful. I’m not even going to pray what I’m fearful about (you know).  Instead, I’m going to pray the opposite of fear.  I’m going to pray faith.

I am healed even though the doctor’s report states that I have a high risk pregnancy.  I believe that you are able to carry me through.  I will have a good pregnancy and a pain-free pregnancy.  I know that I’m asking for a lot, but I know through you, all things are possible.

I feel encouraged because I know you hear me. I’m not going to worry because you are with me every step of the way.

I pray for an abundance of peace. I need peace to carry me through the day, afternoon and especially at night. Oh, God, I feel your presence.  I’m resting in you because I know you are watching over me and taking excellent care of me and my future babies.  You are covering my womb with your hands.  Like in Isaiah 54:17 – No weapon against me shall prosper.  My life and my unborn babies’ lives are in your hands.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.

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#PlotTwist

This whole journey has involved a lot of telling God what we want to do and what we feel He is telling us to do but also asking Him to clarify if there is a different direction that He would have things go.

When we found out that Lesley was pregnant, we did not quickly come to the conclusion that we would need to stop adoption, in fact we prayed that He would allow us to do both or make it incredibly clear that we should not adopt for now. It seemed like things might allow us to continue with both and that was exciting.

Then we went for the sonogram and the technician showed us one, moved it over a bit and said, “and…there’s it’s twin.” This was a little harder amidst all of the joy related to it, because we knew this meant adoption was off for now.

To be clear, we still plan to adopt. It simply seems unwise to pursue adoption right now with twins on the way. We plan on beginning the process again when our children hit 1 year old (which will be around January 2017).

For those of you who gave to us, if you do not want your money back, we plan to open a savings account and put the money raised in there for when we pick things back up in 2017.

This is what happens when you give your plans to God. They may not work out in the way that you expect them to, but He does incredible things. This is a huge blessing. Twins don’t even run in Lesley’s family! That means that there was only a 2% chance that this would happen spontaneously.

Thank you for following along, being with us, praying for us, helping fund us, or however else you may be involved in our journey. We have a bit further to go than expected, but we are trusting Him in it all.

Love,
Carl

For those looking for the TL;DR (too long; didn’t read) – Lesley is pregnant with twins and due in January 2016. Adoption is on hold until approximately January 2017.

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Chick-Fil-A | Vernon Hills | 5:00PM – 7:30PM TONIGHT

Hey everyone!

If you are able, please come and  join us tonight at the Vernon Hills Chick-Fil-A (701 N Milwaukee Ave Ste 360, Vernon Hills, IL 60061)! See the event page here.

Part of the proceeds will go towards our adoption fund. So all you need to do is show up, order food, tell them you’re “eating for adoption,” and then eat your food! You can even go through the drive thru. I mean, honestly, who doesn’t want an excuse to go to Chick-Fil-A? I’m looking forward to eating some of their food, but I’m so much more excited about getting to see people and hang out!

We will be there the whole time and Lesley will also be selling bracelets from the Apparent project to support our adoption, so you can pick one of those up for $10 (see more about that on our Fundraisers page)!

If you are not able to go and still want to support us, or you are going but still want to support us more directly, you can do so at our YouCaring page.

Hope to see you tonight!

Grace and Peace,
Carl

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An Excuse to Eat at Chick-Fil-A

Who doesn’t want an excuse to eat at Chick-Fil-A??

If you go to the Chick-Fil-A in Vernon Hills on June 24th between 5pm and 7:30pm AND mention that you are “eating for adoption,” (drive-thru or eating in) we will get 10% of the sales to go toward our adoption!

If we happen to earn over $1,000, then the percentage bumps up to 15%!!

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(You can click the image above to see more info in the Facebook Event)

We will be there for the whole time, so if you want some good food and just want to hang out, come on by! We would love to see you and hang out!

Thanks for all your support 🙂

– Carl

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The Voices That Carry Podcast

Lesley and I had the huge honor of being interviewed about our story on my friend Henry’s podcast, Voices That Carry.

You can download it directly, by clicking the image below.

Alternatively, if you’re a big podcast person or use Stitcher radio, you can go ahead and go into either app and search “Voices That Carry” and our show should be the newest (May 31st, 2015).

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Thank you for your love and support!

– Carl

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Bracelets Are In!

As mentioned on our fundraisers page, one way to support us (and also families in Haiti) is to buy a bracelet. Lesley has put together some different options of how you can do this on our fundraisers page.

 

We have 150 bracelets and we only have 6 weeks to sell them! We would love to run out and need to order more. We would love it, if you buy a bracelet, to use it as a reminder to pray for us and the person who made it.

If you want to support us but don’t care about having a bracelet, you can do that as well through our YouCaring page.

Thank you and we love you!

– Carl

 

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Why We Are Adopting

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A question that has already come up multiple times in the last couple of days since we announced beginning the adoption process is, “Why are you adopting?” The tone has ranged from “why would you ever do that?” to “this is awesome! Is there a particular reason you’re doing it though?”

I hope to adequately explain why we are taking this journey.

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