Today I just need to feel!

***WARNING: Pregnancy details below…it gets graphic*** 2nd WARNING…this may get long!***

Carl is usually the one writing our blogs, however today I just need to let my pregnant emotions out! So basically…excuse the grammar issues and the punctuation problems. My emotions are too high for me to really care about either of those things.

Let me start out by staying that being pregnant is HARD! I know that being lots of things are hard…and even harder than just being pregnant. But for the moment that I am living in, I need to say that this chapter of my life full of nausea, aches, pains, and clothes not fitting…it’s really really hard!

My pregnancy has been high-risk from the moment I learned/saw that I was having twins.  I ugly cried immediately when the tech moved the sonogram viewer to show a second little one nestled in my womb (having twins was only a 2% likeliness).   I instantly grieved our adoption, knowing that it was going to be on hold for a while…then I panicked about 2 of everything…2 cute faces, 2 people to love, 2 lives to dream about, 2 crying at once, 2 diapers to change at once, 2 mouths to feed at once (I still can’t wrap my brain on how I am going to breast feed them at the same time!!), and 2 lives that I am in no way in control of (THIS was the the hardest for me to be ok with).  The tears did turn to smiles and laughter…but let’s be honest…it took me a few days.

Around week 9 I started spotting. It was brownish spotting, but knowing that I’m high-risk I called my doctor. They had me come in the next day. We got to listen to their hearts beat for the first time.  It was magical! Two little hearts were just pounding away in there.  I walked away hopeful that everything was ok and that spotting was just a normal part of some pregnancies.

2 Days later I passed a brownish clot.  Called the doctor…went in again! This time we got to have another ultrasound.  We got to have a look at our little ones all curled up…their hearts still beating away.  Doctors couldn’t find anything wrong so I was sent home with hope, again, that all was well and normal.

Between week 10 & 11 I started to feel them move! It was crazy! Apparently with twins you can feel them early…I felt super lucky.

July 27th 1:30am. I wake up to go to the bathroom only to find out that I’m spotting again…and it’s nice and red this time.  I call the doctor as soon as their office is open I go in…again. They do another ultrasound.  We get to see the babies, get more pictures, and leave again with hope that since they cannot find anything wrong…nothing is wrong.  For some reason I just get the privileged of going though an emotional roller-coaster every week or so.  I have yet to get used to that feeling.

July 28th 6:30pm. I’m cutting watermelon in preparation for a friend to come over for dinner.  I suddenly feel like I’m peeing my pants so I go to the bathroom only to find that I am gushing blood.  Lots and lots of it…along with clots the size of ping pong balls. As I yell to Carl that I am most likely having a miscarriage, our guest walks through the door.  It is a very awkward and hard moment as Carl ushers our guest inside and calls the on-call nurse who then connects us with our doctor.  The doctor has us go to the ER asap.  Our guest leaves and we rush to the car.  I walk into the ER and let the nurse behind the desk know that I am 12ish weeks along…bleeding a lot..and probably having a miscarriage.  I bawled as those words left my mouth.  She ushered me to a wheelchair and within minuets I was rolled to a room.  Time stood still.  I wasn’t in any physical pain…but I was in a ton of emotional and spiritual pain. In between nurses asking me questions, changing into a hospital gown, an IV being put in…I cried…I prayed…I begged God to give me a miracle!!!  Family and friends were aware we were at the hospital and I knew that they were praying as well. My father-in-law sent us a prayer which Carl read aloud.  This prayer continues to be my prayer! When my exam showed that my cervix was still closed, I got a little hopeful.  I knew God gave people miracles…but I also knew that sometimes, for whatever reason, he doesn’t.  I pleaded that today was my miracle day.  When I went in to the ultrasound and was told by the tech that she couldn’t answer any of my questions…I chose to look away.  I couldn’t bare to not see their hearts beating…or not see them moving.  I watched Carl instead.  When he started to smile I finally looked at the screen.  I could see both of them moving around and giving the tech a difficult time as she tried to get their measurements and heart rates.  The elephant that had been sitting on my chest turned into a small dog.  They were ok…but what was wrong with me? Would they stay ok? Was this the last time I would see them kicking and squirming? Where did this blood come from?  I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma.  A subchorionic hematoma is a type of blood clot found between the pregnancy membranes and the wall of the uterus. This occurs in just over 1% of pregnancies, and it appears that the bleeding occurs when small parts of the pregnancy membranes separate from the uterus. So a 2% of having twins and a 1% of having this issue…I should be playing the lottery! I was informed that the bleeding would continue and to make sure I have tons of “pelvic rest”…so don’t do anything but you’re not stuck in bed…yet. We left praising and thanking God for our 2 little miracles!!!!!  I had a follow up appointment with my doctor 2 days later.  They saw the hematoma and said that we will just have to monitor it.  It will either go away on it’s own or become a problem that leads to miscarriage.  I tried to leave hopeful.

Last night the cramping began.  This was the first time that I have had any pain in my abdomen.  I didn’t want to panic, but I could help but burst into tears.  Carl read me my prayer and I tried to calm down knowing that these babies have never been, and never will be mine.  They are in God’s hands and that is the best place for them to be.  I called the on-call nurse who connected me with my doctor…who had me come in this morning. (sigh) Again.  I had another ultrasound (we’re up to 5 now!) and saw them literally on top of each other.  The hematoma was still there and the doctor said that we will continue to watch it.  It’s a decent size and hasn’t gotten any smaller…it might have gotten bigger…they weren’t sure.  I basically can’t do much of anything right now. I need to feed myself and keep my body at rest.  I’m not confined to a bed which is nice.  I tried to leave the office with hope…all I left with this time was more pleading that I will get to see these two grow up.

Today has been tough.  Another friend of mine lost their child.  This is the second friend that carried their precious baby full term, and in the delivery room tragedy struck. They prayed for their miracle, but didn’t get one.  I hold my belly all the more tighter now.  I wish I had control of my twins’ lives.  I wish I could guarantee their health.  But I can’t.  And that makes me cry.

Please pray for me and my twins.  For those that already have, THANK YOU!  We feel them all!!!  I just want to finish by sharing the prayer that Carl has read to me and that I continue to read to myself.  It’s the hope that I hold to now.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank you for this gift. I thank you for choosing me to be a mom.  But, I am fearful. I’m not even going to pray what I’m fearful about (you know).  Instead, I’m going to pray the opposite of fear.  I’m going to pray faith.

I am healed even though the doctor’s report states that I have a high risk pregnancy.  I believe that you are able to carry me through.  I will have a good pregnancy and a pain-free pregnancy.  I know that I’m asking for a lot, but I know through you, all things are possible.

I feel encouraged because I know you hear me. I’m not going to worry because you are with me every step of the way.

I pray for an abundance of peace. I need peace to carry me through the day, afternoon and especially at night. Oh, God, I feel your presence.  I’m resting in you because I know you are watching over me and taking excellent care of me and my future babies.  You are covering my womb with your hands.  Like in Isaiah 54:17 – No weapon against me shall prosper.  My life and my unborn babies’ lives are in your hands.

In Jesus’ Name,



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